Ella measures: 21 and 1/4 inches
Late night feedings with Ella have become my favorite. The house is quiet. The pace of the day has slowed. And somehow the ever present exhaustion fades as I lift my precious baby out of her bassinet. Her nighttime lamp gently glows, highlighting her tiny features. I brush my finger across her cheek, waking her up enough to realize it is time for her bottle. I can't help but stare as she brings her hands together to rest on her belly. As I feed her, I start to breathe more deeply. My mind eases. My heart calms. My soul opens and reflection fills the space around me. In these quiet moments, I am filled with emotion as I reflect on our journey.
Five months ago, on this day exactly, Ella was 12 days old, 26 weeks gestational. She weighed 1lb and 2oz and was surviving on a jet ventilator giving her 300 breaths a minute. She was battling a blood infection. She was receiving antibiotics through a PICC line, which was a miracle in itself because a few of her fragile veins had been blown when trying to get it placed. She had already endured multiple transfusions, a chest tube placement, and a collapsed lung. After being discharged for the second time, I had been home for five days. I knew I had had a baby, but I definitely did not feel like a mom. My daughter was struggling to fight for her life because my body could not carry her to full term. I felt immense guilt and sadness. Another human being was suffering and I felt responsible.
Feeding her tonight, I continued to stare at Ella's hands. Her fingers, once too small to wrap around mine, were clasped together like they were meant to be. Being born at 24 weeks, she hadn't had enough time to experience being curled up. She had to learn how to do this. To practice. In the NICU, she had to be positioned because she was too weak to do it on her own. Bringing her hands together was a milestone for her. Yet here, now in this moment, she does so effortlessly. She is peaceful. Her peace brings joy to my soul. I still have days where I mourn what could have been, but the majority of the guilt and sadness have lifted. Ella is strong and resilient. In the quiet moments of the night, as I hold her bottle, she reaches her fingers up to grasp mine. She reminds me that she is right where she is supposed to be. Ella is teaching me to love the little things.
Love this!! <3
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